The coming Nematopia

Holy crap, we’re done for! NASA reports that nematode worms that were on the ill-fated Columbia space shuttle survived the crash. The researchers who recovered the nematodes state that the worms’ survival could offer us clues as to how simple life forms may have survived traumatic interplanetary journeys, bolstering the theory that ‘seed genes’ may have come from other parts of the universe aboard comets, landed in the earth’s primordial soup, and started the chain reaction that eventually resulted in creating we, the people. Right.

But these so-called researchers aren’t telling us everything. The nematodes were placed in coffee can sized containers and carted off to space to be experimented on. Does that tell you anything? You bet. They’re as mad as all heck. Imagine being taken from your swamp under false pretenses (or against your will), placed in a metal container with no windows, and eventually ending up in a lab 50 miles above the planet to be poked, prodded, pushed, sliced and diced to find out how we humans would fare in outer space. But in one experiment that showed an appalling lack of respect for the consequences, the worms were exposed to cosmic rays. That’s right. The same interstellar cosmic rays that the Fantastic 4 were exposed to. So are you still surprised that the nematodes survived the crash? They have superpowers! And they’re mad! NASA isn’t telling us everything to avoid a panic.

Right this very minute, those angry super-nematodes are multiplying. They already have a prodigious reproductive rate, but once again, the techno-folly of us humans is aiding this dangerous mutation inadvertently. Because of the communications explosion of recent years, there’s radiation everywhere. Especially microwave radiation from cell phone sites which have been shown to increase nematode fertility. I don't know what cell phone users are talking about these days, but it seems it turns the nematodes on and they burst in spontaneous bacchanalic reveling which always results in baby nematodes. Baby super-powered nematodes, who can create force fields at will, or burst into spontaneous combustion without harming themselves, or acquire an outer shell as tough as granite and the strength of 12 elephants, or acquire a super-intelligence of the malevolent kind.

NASA researchers have isolated the recovered canisters in vaults with walls made of 2 meters of steel in underground caves in the military base near Groom Lake in Nevada. There they are kept in suspended animation with liquid nitrogen. They have tried destroying them, but have not succeeded. The liquid nitrogen however, does slow them down. But that’s not the end of that. The Columbia debris is scattered over a very wide area and not all canisters with the mutant nematodes have been recovered. NASA fears that some of the canisters may not have survived the impact and that—Heaven help us— some of the nematodes have escaped, and are at this very minute, copulating with wild abandon, driven to heights of lust and debauchery by our text messages, Gud AM it.