"Please dont sleep with Ms. Hallmark. I beseech thee."
[Blank] and I have taken to calling her Ms. Hallmark because of her penchant for sending me saccharine SMSs (Sample: "You are the sunshine in my rainy day.'). For some reason the topic turned to FBs. She was telling me about her calamitous relationship with--itago na lang natin sya sa pangalang Dick. Her problem she said was that she hoped too much. What she needs, she said, is an FB. No emotional involvement. Just boinking. I could use one of those, I joked. Heaven knows how long it's been. Ms. Hallmark would be perfect; she's expressed willingness. Im kidding. Ms. Hallmark would not be perfect. Like [blank], her problem is she hopes too much. Even if youve made it clear to her that all she is is an FB, she'd be in denial.
"Ive been there before. I went with a married man and I felt justified at the time because the man I was living with then was a jerk. It was a disaster. I dont want anybody to take you away from your kids."
"No one's taking me away, [blank]," I said.
"I mean it. What if she's hot and smart and makes you laugh and is good in bed?" [Blank] hasnt met Ms. Hallmark.
"Nobody's that perfect. Unless youre talking about you. Naks."
"Please dont sleep with Ms. Hallmark."
"Ok, I won't. Yet. Hahahaha."
Long pause. Then...
"You know in theory we'd make perfect FBs. We both live in different worlds which would make things more discrete, we obviously have a connection, we share the same predicament (the lack of boink), and we want the same things (someone to talk to and be with, and perhaps, later boink). We're even compatible geographically. Or am I being too presumptuous?"
What to say, what to say? Oh she is perfect. She's smart and gorgeous and everything she said is true: we'd be perfect FBs, at least in theory. But I dont look at her that way. Well Ok sometimes I do, but not once did I ever think of even suggesting... I KNOW that Notting Hill was just a movie that couldnt possibly happen in real life. Im just a regular schmoe and she's... So I said, not quite in the manner of Hugh Grant when she decided to reject Julia Roberts's offer, "I cant make an objective assessment on that right now. Im too boinky." Which turned out the be the wrong thing to say because she said:
Ouch indeed. I tried to salvage the sitch by saying, "Dont get me wrong. It would be an honor to boink you, and could we please stop talking about this because I won't be able to sleep."
"Haha. I didnt think the words 'honor' and 'boink' could belong in the same sentence," she said.
"[Her name] and [my name] dont belong in the same sentence either, but it sort of works, no?"
"You know life would be so much simpler if we were squirrels. Their memories dont last to the next day. Please, please make like a squirrel and forget everything we've talked about today and dont bring it up again. It's too embarrassing."