The next project

In Manuel L. Quezon III's blog, the comment section to an entry had him write this as a response to another comment on the state of literature in the Philippines:

I have have also been perplexed over the lack of interest in
translating, say, Orwell, into Filipino, and why Rolando Tinio seemed
the only one ambitious enough to attempt to translate Shakespeare.

To which I said this:

Let’s do it then. Anybody who has the time, pick a text to translate,
post it in a blog somewhere for students to access for free, and for
other people to critique and correct. We can start with essays in
English and go on from there. We can make technology work for us.

MLQ3 thought it's better to do this via a wiki instead of blogs, and yes a wiki would be a perfect tool for this. And while--I assume--MLQ3 is setting this wiki up and gathering support in his circle for this project-in-embryo, I thought I'd work on translating something in the meantime. Since Dean Jorge Bocobo of Philippine Commentary mentioned C.S. Lewis's Screwtape Letters in the same comment thread, I thought I'd start with that and work on it one screwtape letter at a time and post the translation here in installments.* The translation wouldnt be perfect of course, and Im sure it will go through numerous editions and revisions from the pool of talent MLQ3 manages to gather if the wiki sees the light of day. In the original concept in my head at the time I wrote the comment, I thought we should have students in mind as target audience for the translations, maybe high school students.

There will be those who will think it would be better to make the students learn English instead so theyll be able to read the works in their original languages, and Im all for that. But I believe it would be an incentive to learn English to those more 'literary' of our students to read the works in their original language if they get exposed to these works in a more accessible language first, like reading the Bible or Umberto Eco in English makes me want to read them in their original languages, but with the added advantage that they won't have to enroll in special courses in Hebrew, Greek, or Italian since English lessons come with the curriculum. I'll try to stick to the tone of the original while keeping an eye on the sensibilities of a 21st century audience of high school students. I expect that won't be easy but it would be a good exercise.

And so, as I put my money where my mouth is, so to speak, I'll probably have a draft ready by next week.

===
*The Screwtape Letters © 1942 C.S. Lewis Pte, Ltd, copyright restored 1996 C.S. Lewis Pte, Ltd. I'll worry about copyright laws later. If anybody from the Lewis estate is reading this, I dont have a cold farthing to my name. And besides, if my theory is correct, it'll make students want to read the original.

The ride home

[Updated. Ms. Fernandez has resigned.]

The recent brouhaha over an article that appeared in a magazine nobody ever reads made me remember coming home from overseas with a plane full of returning OFWs. No I felt no desire to slash my wrists. What I felt was a mixture of amusement and admiration. On a trip home from London I noticed the long queue at the terminal from Pinoys going home. It was December, close to Christmas, and needless to say our kababayans' luggage were full of pasalubong, including their carry-ons, some of which tipped the scales at over 30 kilos. Unlike the experience of our portly jet-setter, the people at the check-in counter (Air Canada personnel for some reason, although we were flying PAL) never yelled at them. Instead they were amused and understandably exasperated since they had to find a way to get all these bags and boxes into the plane, and finding storage space in the overhead compartments for the overweight carry-ons. When it was my turn to check in, the girl at the counter asked, "You have any luggage?" I showed her my one suitcase. "Just one?," she said, wide-eyed. "Any hand-carried luggage?" I showed her my carry-on bag which I lifted with one hand. "That's it?" She was incredulous. I guess I was the only one in that flight that wasnt an OFW. Having been assigned to our London office for less than 50 days, I dont qualify.

Our OFWs on the other hand were all so hyper. They were a happy, boisterous lot, all filled with excitement, and talking to some of them you'd know why.

"How long since you went back home to the Philippines?," I asked. Ten years. Five years. Six years... They havent seen family and friends for ages! No wonder they were so high. And it was this high that our jet-setting commentator couldnt quite comprehend due to her undiagnosed social autism.

Seated comfortably, I could only be amazed at the sense of community they exhibited even though it was probably the first time they saw each other. Yes, some did say to each other, "Taga-saan ka? Domestic helper ka din ba?" But instead of thinking I had died and went to my very own private hell, as our intrepid social commentator imagined herself to be, I smiled and thought, Wow, if only they could bring this sense of community with them outside the plane and into their own barangays. We sure could use some of that. I sat next to a lady in the aisle seat and immediately she struck up a conversation and asked me where I came from. "Galing po ako sa London," I said.

"Ako rin," she said. "Saan doon?"

"Sa Chelsea po."

"Ay malapit lang pala tayo. Gaano ka na katagal dun?"

"Dalawang buwan lang ho. Pinadala ho ako ng opisina namin. Kayo po?"

"Ten years na ako hindi umuuwi. Cook ako dun kay [name of famous cricket player--forgot the name]." And she went on and on telling her story about how rich her amo is, and how he asked her to come back soon, and how she had very little time to shop for pasalubong. She said she bought lots of bath soap and the English gentleman behind her on the queue at the supermarket said, "You must be the cleanest woman in all of London" and we had a big laugh at that one. But she mostly told me about her family back home and how she's trying to bring her children over to the UK if they want that. All this time, another Pinoy behind me also started to strike up a conversation. He was actually standing and leaning on the lady's backrest. He said he's an engineer and he's from one of the northern cities in the UK and he's coming home for the first time in five years. He was a younger bloke and he told stories about his job and his smoking pot with his friends after work and I remember wondering whether he was on pot at that point because of his rambling narrative. All this time he was standing until we were ready to take off and as soon as the Fasten Seatbelts sign was off, he stood up again and started talking. I was tired and after a few minutes said, "Tulog muna ako ha?" And he said ok. It was a peaceful flight, believe it or not, as they settled down. They got hyper again as we neared Manila, and when we landed, they broke into spontaneous applause.

I remembered thinking if I could do what they did: stay away from loved ones for years at a time, expecting things to be the same back home despite the amount of time spent away. I wondered about wisdom of the very Pinoy trait of giving pasalubong to neighbors and relatives to share the 'bounty' knowing that it isnt really bounty but something you bled and sweated over. I came away from that plane with a lot of admiration for our OFWs. Scenes like that were repeated in other flights home, especially December flights, and it always amuses me. And it bemuses me that someone who's supposedly rich and educated fails to get it; to claim that "one group will never get the culture of the other" is simply the height of, not elitism, but autism.

===
Update 23 August 2007: Ive added a badge I found on Sparks's recent post on the Fernandez affair (which, as far as I can tell, still hasnt been picked up by mainstream media--theyre more interested in Ruffa getting back together with Yilmaz). Click on the badge to go to the site of the fella who created it and the message he wants to send Ms Fernandez in behalf of our OFWs.

However, let me make it clear that Im not adding my voice to the clamor to have her fired or for the boycott of the Manila Standard and People Asia for her stupid remarks. I dont want speech or articles like that silenced. I want them out in the open where they will be freely discussed, commented on, and if need be, condemned. How can we know what’s on someone’s mind if we dont give them the freedom to speak their mind? Now we know what’s on Ms Fernandez’s mind, and what kind of person she is.

What she wrote was reprehensible, but she has the right to write what she did. Her drivel is protected speech. The freedom that allows her to spew crap is the same freedom that allows those whom she had offended to call her Ms Piggy. By allowing her the space for her inanities, we are protecting our freedoms as well.

Update: 6:00 pm. From Slap Happy comes news that Ms Fernandez has resigned. He has posted a copy of a letter allegedly from her. If true, then the bloggers got their wish. They ran her out of Dodge. I suppose she has outlived her usefulness anyway. We certainly dont need more of her brand of travel journalism. I myself have mixed emotions about this. I fear that there will come a time when another mob of infuriated bloggers would run a journalist out of town because said journalist has offended them, only this time the journalist would be right.

Update 24 August: Via Sparks's blog. Reports of Fernandez's resignation confirmed. The blog entry features a link to a video of an ABS-CBN report.

I feed two pigs in containers*

Name that tune
(From the ersatz company newsletter ca. 2003)

Below are 25 (26 now, updated) lyrics from popular songs. All you have to do is name the song title from the lyrics. Easy, eh? But there’s a catch: All the lyrics below have been misheard. That is, they arent the actual lyrics, but the lyrics as heard by someone who’s been sitting too close to the speakers at a Metallica concert. Give yourself a point for every song you identify. Bonus points if you know the real lyrics. Answers below.

1. Take your teeth out, tell me what's wrong.
2. There's a bathroom on the right.
3. She don't lie, she don't lie, she don't lie.... Okay.
4. You take a piece of meat with you.
5. Might as well face it, youre a dickhead in love.
6. I sip on crocks to occupy my time.
7. Well they said you were high-classed, but that was last July.
8. I like it here with my chocolate phlegm.
9. Then you come to me on a submarine.
10. Sometimes love dont feel like a shoe.
11. Mang Tony slays the mamaw.
12. I cant bite the ceiling anymore.
13. I cant forget the semen on your face as you were leaving.
14. I just cant get it up.
15. Bad venison is all I need.
16. Her lips are deviled eggs.
17. What makes a man? It's another man.
18. If you change your mind, Jackie Chan, I'll be first in line, Jackie Chan.
19. We need hot papaya.
20. Hearin' you my indians die.
21. Let's pee in the corner.
22. Shamu, the mysterious whale.
23. Goodbye groovy toothpaste.
24. Piss in the microwave.
25. First I'm gonna give you up, then I'm gonna let you down, then I'm gonna run around and hurt you.
26. Well, Im your penis. (From cvj. Thanks, amigo.)
    

*Smells Like Teen Spirit (Nirvana) - The real lyrics are "I feel stupid and contagious."
===
Answers (highlight the invisible text by dragging the mouse over it.)
1. Chiquitita (Abba) 2. Bad Moon Rising (Creedence Clearwater Revival) 3. Cocaine (Eric Clapton cover) 4. Everytime You Go Away (Paul Young) 5. Addicted to Love (Robert Palmer) 6. The One I Love (REM) 7. Hound Dog (Elvis) 8. Who Can It Be Now (Men At Work) 9. How Deep is Your Love (BeeGees) 10. Hurt So Good (John Mellencamp) 11. We Built This City (Jefferson Starship) 12. I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore (REO Speedwagon) 13. I Can't Live (if living is without you) (Mariah Carey cover) 14. I Just Can't Get Enough (Depeche Mode) 15. Bad Medicine (Bon Jovi) 16. La Vida Loca (Ricky Martin) 17. People Are People (Depeche Mode) 18. Take a Chance On Me (Abba) 19. We Didnt Start the Fire (Billy Joel) 20. The Ghost In You (Psychedelic Furs) 21. Losing My Religion (REM) 22. Mysterious Ways (U2) 23. Ruby Tuesday (Rolling Stones) 24. Tubthumping (Chumbawumba) 25. Never Gonna Give You Up (Rick Astley) 26. Venus (Bananarama cover)

Note: There might be spoilers in the Comments section, so try it first before clicking on Comments.

Poison

[Updated 13 August 2007. Added link to Reuters report on bio-fuels. Added excerpt and link to new essay by Freeman Dyson.]

First of all, let me say I believe climate change is real. I believe it is a natural phenomenon that has been going on since earth became a planet. Historic data backs this belief up. There's nothing esoteric about it. The earth's climate has been changing even before we showed up. We do not know what causes it. Apparently the sun's own cycles have an effect. What is in dispute is that human activity has a profound effect on climate change. In this there is no scientific consensus. But the 'It's all our fault' crowd has started to fight dirty. In an exercise in blatant well poisoning, Al Gore, in a forum on climate change in Singapore said

"There has been an organized campaign, financed to the tune of about $10 million a year from some of the largest carbon polluters, to create the impression that there is disagreement in the scientific community," Gore said at a forum in Singapore. "In actuality, there is very little disagreement."

There IS disagreement, Mr. Gore. And to tarnish the reputations of scientists who honestly question the conclusions of your camp is beneath you. The debate is between empiricists and modelers. The empiricists rely on historic data while the modelers rely on sophisticated computer programs to try to predict the future. Im firmly on the side of the empiricists on this one. The modelers have complete control of the data that they enter into their models. Alas that's not real life. In real life,we have no control over what the earth does. We can't even predict the weather next month with any reasonable accuracy, but the modelers are proposing to predict the weather hundreds of years from now.

Unfortunately, the mainstream media is firmly on the side of the It's-all-our-fault crowd; with stories favoring them getting front-page treatment, and stories critical of their claims getting buried right before the Obituaries.

But, one might ask, if this is a natural phenomenon, does that mean there is nothing we can do? Placeholder points to a scheme to put more salt into the oceans so as to prevent a disruption in the Thermohaline Circulation. Another scheme is to put up reflectors in orbit around the earth to reflect back some of the sun's heat, a scheme that would cost between 500 billion to 6 trillion US dollars. There are other schemes, each trying to take advantage of our technological advances. I suppose they miss the irony of all this since if the It's-all-our-fault crowd is to be believed, our technology is what got us into this mess in the first place. But this just points to a mindset we humans have been prone to since the Protestant reformation, the industrial revolution, and the enlightenment: First, the idea that we have dominion over the earth. And second, that we can fix things. That we can geo-engineer the earth to suit our purposes. That is the way to disaster. Even now there are warnings that the push for bio-fuels will kill millions from hunger, but who's listening? Our new senator Zubiri is proud of his Bio-fuels Act.

OR, we can learn to live within our means. Instead of us dictating to the earth, we can let the earth dictate to us how we should live. But try and tell that to the world enamored with wealth and power and property. With consumption, consumption, consumption. Even China has succumbed to to the consumption patterns of the West. And the Philippines? Forget about it, we are caught up in this as well. We are pushing for industrialization (more carbon) even if we cannot feed ourselves without importing food from other countries (even more carbon--consuming local farm produce leaves a smaller carbon footprint than consuming imported food).

But whatever it is we decide to do, one thing is certain: Nature always wins. It is arrogant and naive of us to think that we can tame nature. The earth self-regulates. It will protect itself and the life within it from harm as much as it can. If the earth's carrying capacity states that it can only support 2 billion of us, then that's what will happen. We best use our resources wisely. The resources that would be spent in geo-engineering schemes--six trillion smackers for that reflector scheme!--could be put to better use eradicating poverty, fighting disease, educating people.

Climate change is a fact and there is something we can do about it. Let's just hope we do the right thing.

===

Update: Check out this debate on National Public Radio held earlier this year.
From the debate:

Michael Crichton:

Well, if this is the situation, I suddenly think about my friends, you know, getting on their private jets. And I think, well, you know, maybe they have the right idea. Maybe all that we have to do is mouth a few platitudes, show a good, you know, expression of concern on our faces, buy a Prius, drive it around for a while and give it to the maid, attend a few fundraisers and you’re done. Because, actually, all anybody really wants to do is talk about it. They don’t actually do anything. And the evidence for that is the number of major leaders in climate who clearly have no intention of changing their lifestyle, reducing their own consumption or getting off private jets themselves. If they’re not willing to do it why should anybody else?

Is talking enough? [Does] talking cure the environment? It didn’t work in psychology. It won’t work in the environment either. Is that enough to do? I don’t think so. I think it’s totally inadequate. Everyday 30,000 people on this planet die of the diseases of poverty. There [is] a third of the planet doesn’t have electricity. We have a billion people with no clean water, we have half a billion people going to bed hungry every night. Do we care about this? It seems that we don’t. It seems that we would rather look a hundred years into the future than pay attention to what’s going on now. I think that's unacceptable. I think that’s really a disgrace. This doesn’t need to happen. We’re allowing it to happen. And I don’t know what’s wrong with the rich self-centered societies that we live in in the west that we are not paying attention to the conditions of the wider world. And it does seem to me that if we use arguments about the environment to turn our back on the sick and the dying of our shared world, and that's our excuse to ignore them, then we have done a true and terrible thing.

Update 13 August 2007: Freeman Dyson on models:

My first heresy says that all the fuss about global warming is grossly exaggerated. Here I am opposing the holy brotherhood of climate model experts and the crowd of deluded citizens who believe the numbers predicted by the computer models. Of course, they say, I have no degree in meteorology and I am therefore not qualified to speak. But I have studied the climate models and I know what they can do. The models solve the equations of fluid dynamics, and they do a very good job of describing the fluid motions of the atmosphere and the oceans. They do a very poor job of describing the clouds, the dust, the chemistry and the biology of fields and farms and forests. They do not begin to describe the real world that we live in. The real world is muddy and messy and full of things that we do not yet understand. It is much easier for a scientist to sit in an air-conditioned building and run computer models, than to put on winter clothes and measure what is really happening outside in the swamps and the clouds. That is why the climate model experts end up believing their own models.

From Heretical Thoughts About Science and Society (08 August 2007).

There is no cat

I came across this quote via The Quotations Page:

You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.

Albert Einstein,
Physicist (1879 - 1955)

Which made me realize we could use cats to describe anything.

The Big Bang.
Imagine in the beginning, before there was such a thing as time, before there was such a thing as space, there was an infinitely dense, infinitely small cat, nay not a cat, but a virtual cat, that kept coming in and out of existence, and that suddenly, this cat expanded rapidly in all directions and keeps on expanding forever, forming galaxies and stars and planets along the way, all from that infinitely small, infinitely dense cat. The only difference is that there is no cat.

Wave-Particle duality.
Wave-particle duality is a cat, but it's in a box so you can't see it and are therefore not sure what breed it is so you peek at it and see that has a short coat and its face, ears, and tail are darker that the rest of its body, and so you take it out and sure enough it's a Siamese. You put it back in the box again and this time, you stick your hand in the box and feel that the cat's coat is long and thick and so you take it out and sure enough, it's a Persian. The only difference is that there really is no cat.

Democracy.
Democracy is like a cat, and like all cats, it is run by its brain. And like all cats, it has other parts of the body as well. Each part of the body is important to the cat and therefore its brain takes care of them all. If the cat's brain doesnt take care of the other parts of its body, it will die. And if the other parts of the body dont cooperate with the brain, it will die. The trick then is to balance the needs of the body with the dominance of the brain. Democracy is a cat. The only difference is that democracy doesnt have whiskers and retractable claws, and doesnt make a huge racket during mating season when youre trying to sleep.

Try it. Explain things using cats.

The best sentence in all of literature

Ive read a lot of great sentences in all my years of reading--Salman Rushdie's swooping and swerving, metaphor-filled prose, Umberto Eco's long lists of esoterica, Ernest Hemingway's bare and spare minimalism... The now classic and much imitated pulp-fictiony 'It was a dark and stormy night' by Edward George Bulwer-Lytton has spawned an annual competition. (2007 winner: Gerald began--but was interrupted by a piercing whistle which cost him ten percent of his hearing permanently, as it did everyone else in a ten-mile radius of the eruption, not that it mattered much because for them "permanently" meant the next ten minutes or so until buried by searing lava or suffocated by choking ash--to pee.) Thomas Paine's "These are the times that try men's souls" was used in the The Elements of Style by Strunk and White as an example of how 'style' is hard to pin down. But possibly the best sentence Ive ever read, one that fills me with awe everytime I read it, is this one:

But then our love was extinguished quickly, as though someone had thrown water from a high tower onto a burning dog.

From Drivel, by Steve Martin, and is one of the pieces in his collection of stories and essays called Pure Drivel (published by Hyperion, 1998). The sheer genius that went into this one! The audacity! I wonder what sort of mind would come up with what is probably the funniest single sentence Ive read... ever. It calls to mind the sentences in that full-page ad by a certain Antonio Calipjo Go pointing to errors in the textbooks our children use called Titi Ari ng Lalaki: Textbook learnings for make benefit glorious nation of Philippines, online here. (Sample: Life is the fast rising of the sun that shines on the earth which goes around it fast. Life is the late realization that life is gone and we discover it late.) But whereas the sentences in our textbooks were unintended, with this one, one can almost sense the endless re-writes it went through. One can almost see Steve Martin in front of his laptop, in the wee hours of the morning, agonizing over every word, trying to get the rhythm right, for I can't believe that such a sentence would just fall onto one's lap fully formed like a gift from heaven. It had to be honed and crafted and sweated and bled over. It is just that good. If it did fall onto his lap, then the muses had indeed blessed him, the lucky bastard.

I try to write sentences like that, and I fail. I pray to the same muses, Larry, Curly, and Moe, but they probably deem me unworthy. Im too happy, they may be thinking. True comedy comes from a lifetime of pain and suffering, from angst and alienation, from the baring of one's soul to the hounds that would devour it--or at least from two months worth of unpaid utility bills.

But I try. And I try. Maybe the muses would take pity upon me as I prostrate myself before them and patiently wait.

Tagged - Eight facts about Jego

Mother of pearl, Ive been tagged. By Sparks of Caffeine Sparks fame. Normally this blog is the black hole of tags, where memes get sucked in never to appear again, but this could be fun. It's the 8 Facts tag.

The Rules:

1. In the 8 facts about [name], you share 8 things that your readers don’t know about you. At the end, you tag 8 other bloggers to keep the fun going. Each blogger must post these rules first.
2. Each blogger starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. At the end of the post, a blogger needs to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
4. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

Now I might have trouble finding eight people to tag as per rule no. 3, but since this one doesnt promise indescribable pain and suffering if I break the chain, I suppose I can get away with tagging less than the required number. Here are my eight facts:

1) I can't fart silently. I suppose my sphincter isnt built that way. If I try to stealth-fart, I do not end up with a silent whoosh like normal people. I end up with something like putt-putt-putt-putt as I try to let loose a soundless one, fail, stop in mid fart, then try again, until all the gases are expelled. It takes too much effort so I gave up trying and head for the bathroom instead or if outdoors, walk a reasonable distance away from populated areas, preferably downwind.

2) And on the other end, I can burp at will. I'll swallow a bit of air and hold it in my upper esophagus just below the vocal chords and can let out a belch that would do Barney Gumble proud. My second daughter has inherited this skill, and at a tender age of three or four, we could do a duet of Kelly Rowland and Nelly's Dilemma with her belching the parts where Kelly goes oh.

No matter what I do (burp)
All I think about is you (burp)

3) I can move my ears. That's not such a difficult feat you say? I can move one ear at a time at will. The left alone, then the right alone, then both of them together for the finale.

4) Im a published author. A long time ago I wrote one short komiks story for a publishing house in Quezon city. Atlas publications I think it was. (Or was it the other one? They published Women's Home Companion magazine as well.) The same house that published Carlo J. Caparas's works. I saw artists drawing and inking panels and that thrilled me no end. I dont remember what the title of the piece was, and I dont remember where they published it, since I did it all on a whim and wasnt at all serious about it and just did it to see if I could make a few bucks. The story was about 2 friends who suddenly found themselves on opposite sides of the Philippine revolution against Spain and didnt have much action in it. It was all dialog and the editor said it was out of place for an 'action' komiks but he liked it anyway and decided to run it. He gave me some tips on how to write komiks, too. I got paid less than a hundred pesos and didnt submit any other stories. I somehow regret not doing so now. Who knows how it wouldve turned out. Oh well, water under the bridge.

5) My first trip overseas was in London. I spent a little less than 2 months there and I didnt see a single celebrity. Not one. Although I might have seen the narrator of Teletubbies once in a pub. I can't be sure it was him but he was wearing a smart business suit and was drunk and was singing the Teletubbies theme song and sounded exactly like the guy on the TV show. My next trip was to New York city and I spent a little under a month there and saw Liv Tyler walking on Park Avenue and might have seen Jerry Seinfeld in Newark airport.

6) My brothers and sister sing very well and all have performed on stage in concerts and stage plays. This kid is my nephew. I never developed the knack for singing. I guess it is a recessive gene that didnt take with me.

7) In high school I walked EDSA from Makati to Monumento, just to see if I could do it. I did and was sore for days. Several years later, I walked from Baclaran to our house in Caloocan because a pickpocket stole my wallet on a bus and I didnt have money for jeepney fare. This time I knew I could do it.

8) I dont like instant coffee. It's brewed coffee or tea. Instant coffee is an oxymoron.

There.

Im tagging:

Grif
Heartbreaker
Fionski
Yardo
Vangenge
Baleeeew (Mag-update ka naman!)
Isa ka pa!! Mag update ka din!
Ryukenden and Time Bandit's blogs no longer exist (or have fallen into disrepair) so Im tagging them through Nothing.